I recently came across (and I mean that in the most figurative sense) photos of broken penises. The extremely serious medical report on penile fracture and trauma featured pictures of the unfortunate organs in question, many of them photoshopped into different colours so the viewer wouldn't be too shocked by the blood and "eggplant deformities". I can safely report that such efforts didn't work, and I now have mental pictures that I could happily do without.

A penis fracture, or rupture of the tunica albuginea of the corpus cavernosa as we pornographers like to call it, happens when a sudden shock can cause the erectile tissue to tear. This happens most often during sex when the woman is on top, and the penis slips out and breaks against her perineum. Of course, intense masturbation can also do the trick, as can falling onto something hard while Mr Happy is standing to attention. Surgery is the solution, followed by some serious ice packs and penile splinting. Which means that next time a guy tells you his dick is in a sling, he may just be telling the truth.

Breaking the penis during sex is one of many possible injuries that can occur during a vigorous spot of rumpy-pumpy, and I've decided to compile a definitive list of sexual traumas. This way you can be prepared for any future bedroom mishaps and have excuses ready next time the nurse from the emergency department wants an explanation.

Shagger's Back (or Kama Sutra Spine)
This is an injury to the lower back, usually caused by trying to twist into numerous impossible positions. Sometimes shagger's back can appear over 24 hours after you've successfully attempted the "Gazelle and Stallion, Variation 6" position (or similar), often at the least inopportune moment - say, for example, when you're in the middle of a business meeting and trying to give a slideshow presentation. Shagger's back can often be exacerbated by the need to hide the condition (say, at said slideshow presentation).

Cumulative Vibrator Pinch (CVP)
Obviously more common to the female sex, this painful condition occurs when two or more hard plastic vibrators are used at once. The inner labia can easily be caught between the vibrating surfaces causing pinching and possible loss of orgasm because the patient is yelling "OW shit!!"

Lickjaw
This injury most often occurs when cunnilingus or fellatio induces a "nearly there" reaction in the other person that requires at least twenty minutes of hard licking or sucking to obtain any result. The jaw can remain locked up for hours, which can sometimes be a blessing in disguise.

Spanker's Elbow
Similar to tennis elbow in that it causes inflammation to the arm joints. Usually caused by heavy and regular spanking sessions, made worse if a paddle is used. Traditionally the cure was to threaten the spanker with a damn good flogging of their own if they didn't get better, but studies have shown that this is not necessarily the best treatment.

Pool Douche
A "quickie" in the pool often causes this condition, where large amounts of chlorine-filled water are pumped into the body's orifices. Makes for squeaky-clean sex (often irritating) and an awful lot of lost sperm with red eyes*.

Wanker's Cramp
Extremely common injury, caused by regular heavy movement of the wrist or finger. Likes to strike when the patient is trying to be quick and quiet. Can be easily cured with the use of "wanker's stretches" or yoga (some say these are one and the same thing).

Phone Sex Ear
Prolonged periods spent pressing the phone to the ear and whispering "what are you wearing?" for $3 a minute can result in flattening of the outer ear and temporary deafness. The latter occurs only when a spouse is yelling "Who the bloody hell wracked up this huge phone bill?"

Trapeze Strain
A rare sexual injury, but a serious one. Excessive use of sex swings and trapezes can result in strained muscles, painful shoulder joints and ruined ceilings. Can also result in serious injury caused by failed landings, especially when the woman is trying the extremely difficult "triple somersault with twist landing perfectly onto erect penis" move. Indeed, this may well be the secret cause of all those broken penises mentioned at the beginning.

No doubt about it, sex is a dangerous business. Best to stick to the missionary position, and try not to move at all.

* Yes, I know you're going to complain about the anatomical inaccuracy of writing about sperm with red eyes. But they're hardly going to be wearing goggles, are they?